Diaryentry – Seeking A Meaningful Doing – Loss of Passion?

There must be something so interesting to me that I may burn it in passion. Seeking passion is extremly difficult. Especially during my ups and downs of my bipolar desease. Meanwhile I’m seeking for passion for about ten years. There are times with more, sometimes with less enthusiasm – depending on depressive or manic episode. Until now, there were only unsucessful attempts. I envy people, who have dedicated themselves to any thing, because they know why they begin every day anew. They identify with an idea, with a craft or for example with writing. But writing is only an activity in service of another activity.

For example, my father lives for his family tree art. My friend Karin lives for her dog. And Marina lives for ingenious thoughts. Others are completely absorbed in music, drawing, handicrafts and much more. Only for me – there is nothing. That has been different in my former times. When I was young I was addicted to my music instrument – the Zither. All the day long I thought about my Zither. This lasts about three years. Or my time in the evening school. I was a passionate student.

Today I’m starting over again only to discover that it was not something to which accepts enthusiastically and caught me. Boredom is spreading. As gangrene, it spreads out in my bones. However, it is not that there would be nothing inside me. If I turn my rounds to the shelves in the bookstore at the mall and I am on the hunt for a good book and if I find a page-turner – in these moments I don’t think about my life and my questions for finding passion – because it is there, the life that floats up to me. Today was such a day with a very special moment.

I think my husband thinks like me. Books have always been a great passion of my life. And there is nothing better than the expedition through a jungle of books. Such a forest of books can be found in the bookstore at the mall. And the best – there are some armchairs in front of a glass wall. Right next to it there is also a coffee maker. Over the years, a love habit has developed. I go on an expedition through the writing-salad and pluck for me some tidbits. I take care of myself with coffee and pull me back to one of these armchairs. Then I indulge my passion to discover. Since I am married to my husband, I take him again and again with this little trip. And I think since today I have infected him.

When I suggested to go tot he bookstore, he agreed immediately – without resisting words. As I have been reading, he suddenly came to me to tell me his latest discovery with a beatific smile on his face. It was a standard work on whisky. After he told me this, he had to pick only the book. My joy came over me at that moment so great that I was inwardly quite put out. Coincidentally immediately a square next to me was free. And then we read both in our special conquests. A very peaceful calm came over me coupled with a huge joy. I was escaped at least for a while boredom. For a few moments, I emerged from the dayly routine and felt alive. And I had passion for a few moments.

© Maria Fasching

 

2 thoughts on “Diaryentry – Seeking A Meaningful Doing – Loss of Passion?

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. You are a very excellent writer – I’m sure that is not the first time you’ve heard that!

    I agree that it is so tricky to navigate finding a passion, particularly with bipolar disorder. It can be painful to realize that things you used to love, you don’t anymore (at least as much).

    I used to work for a non-profit organization that dealt with suicide prevention in my state, and this was one of the big signs of difficulty — the loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyable.

    I would love to talk to you more about your experiences! So lovely to connect with you via Twitter.

    Katie (http://twitter.com/thrivingbeyond)

    1. Maria Fasching

      Hi Katie! I’m so grateful to you for your words. I’m glad that you like my post so much. Yes, let’s stay in contact.
      Maria

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