Diaryentry – Heart to Heart

I’m sitting in front of my computer and I just can’t stop working. I’m obsessed with my new hobby – my new blog and my contacts on the various social platforms. This hobby takes me fully captured. It is already 12.00 pm and I can not make a stop. My husband reminds me that bedtime is long gone.

With a heavy heart and with an immense effort I close all windows on my laptop, and turn it off. I lie down on the bed. My thoughts are circeling, circeling, circeling. I feel every cell in my body vibrating. I can not keep my hands quiet. My fingers tapping a melody which appears near my circeling thougts in my brain. I turn from one side to the other and back. No matter how I lie in my bed, I don’t find coziness.

I embrace my cuddeling-pad: I enjoy the coolness oft he cushion but my hot head warmed it. Among my closed lids the eyes move restlessly. I just can not keep them still. My hips are hurting. The pain radiates into the legs. My blood pressure is certainly higher than usual. In my ears I hear the pumping of my heart. It is as if the eardrum juts outwards. And my thoughts are circeling around new ideas. Restless I hold back myself. I have a strong sake to write down those ideas, otherwise they could disappear. I resist the strong sake with the little sanity I have left. But slowly it dwindles. Should I still take a sedative pill? I decide to do so. When I pick up the water glass my hands are shaking.

My restlessness does not go unnoticed. Hannes, my husband, asks me, if I could not sleep. I affirm it. He says, „Come into my arms and lay your head on my breast.“ I snuggle up to him and I put my ear on his torso. His hand embraces my head and he puts his hand softly on my face. A pleasant feeling flows through my body. This contact takes influences on my circulating thoughts. In my right ear I hear the quiet heartbeat of my husband. I notice that my heart beats much faster than his heart. Carefully I follow the heartbeats of us. Step by step I slow down. More and more I concentrate on adjusting my haertbeat to his heartbeat. I slow down more. Beat-beat-beat and beat … beat … beat. My breath slows also down and my eyes stop turning around. The music in my head disappears ton by ton. Slowly    I     f a l l      a s l e e p …

©  Maria Fasching

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