I have a Bipolar Disorder and my husband has a Borderline Personality Disorder. Often people are asking both of us: „How do you get along with each other? Often it is very difficult to get along having such personality disorders? How do you deal with each other?“
Good questions, I think…
Basically, love is with us in the foreground. Our guiding quote in our life is a text from the bible. It is 1. Corinthian 13:8 Love never fails!. Another motto is, never to go to bed, until resolving all our disagreements. With these two basics we have cultivated love in our life.
But how did wie do this concrete? How does this work dayly?
- Our attitude is, we appreciate each other.
This „attitude-basic“, how I do call it, is the most important requirement for a positive together.
- If a disagreement is appearing, we ask each other.
For example: I’m just working (I’m writting) and my husband says something to me. I’m very concentrated on my work and don’t hear him. I only hear, that he has said something. I ask him, what he has said. His answer: „You never listen to me!“
At this moment a great dispute could develop. But what do we do?
I first ask him: „What do you mean?“ His answer: „As I said, you never listen to me!“ My answer: „My dear sweetheart, could you imagine, that you are hurting me with these words? You know, I love you very much, but with this kind of ascertainment, you deeply hurt my soul.“ He is thinking. I touch his arm and look into his eyes. Then I say: „I know you don’t want to hurt me. Would it be OK for you, if you rethink your generalized opinion again?“ He ist thinking again and a touching conversation follows…
Our contrarian views at the beginning are vanishing. Just as we ask the questions we had a new basis for a following conversation.
We touch each other when we talk together.
Touching each other is a nonverbal sign for still existing love despite the first criticism. Yes, there was a hurting general statement but by touching my husband shows him the information, my partner loves me despite all. Love will not be reduced. That all means a secure basis for conversation. If both rethink their words, nobody loses anything.
- After such a kind of conversation we thank each other.
The gratitude to the other plays a very important role. At the end of such a conversation it’s possible that turbulence feelings or a depressive mood remains. By thanking each other, these points will be eliminated.
In this way, a disagreement probably never occurs and mutually hurting doesn’t follow.
My husband and I practiced the described kind of communication during the last seven years. So our love could grow day by day. And now – we love each other more than before!
© Maria Fasching